So look below for my first former MySpace blog, then above for the second one, followed by some original Blogger.com blogs! Can you contain your excitement?!? I can't - but maybe that's just the 8 cups of water I drank this morning.
Bad gift ideas (originally posted on 12/21/07)
Just in time for the holiday season (I'm a very-last-minute shopper), I thought I'd fill everybody in on some bad gift ideas. These aren't horrible gifts like ugly sweaters or "educational" wooden toys, but they're bad for other reasons. Without further ado:
Spice racks
You might be saying, "Spice rack? What's wrong with a spice rack? It keeps my fennel, thyme and caraway seeds handy." True, a spice rack is a convenient gadget that puts all those wonderful flavors at your fingertips, but the convenience runs out once your first spice does.
Think about it: when you finish that jar of corandier, how are you going to fill it up again? From the new jar you buy at the supermarket?
Of course not!! You're just going to use the new jar!!
Unless you buy your spices in bulk and really want to refill the stupid little 8-ounce jars that come on a spice rack, don't fucking buy one.
PS: Who the hell uses shit like coriander and caraway anyway?? You only need 4 spices in your kitchen: cinnamon, curry, pepper and oregano.
Breadmakers
I can speak from personal experience when I say that no matter how much you swear to yourself and/or your significant other that you will use it, you will NEVER use your breadmaker. I put one on our wedding registry. We got it. I opened it, put it in the closet and forgot about it. I finally donated it, unused, to a fundraiser auction. And even then, no one wanted it!! What a waste.
You know why you'll never use it? Because making bread is a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS. It's incalculably easier to buy it. And you'll probably fuck it up anyway. There are so many variables: ingredient amounts, temperature, time, etc. Skip the breadmaker and go for something worth the time and effort, like a beer-making kit!!
Even if you fuck up the beer, at least you'll be fucked up too!!
Incomplete DVD box sets
I'm sure you've seen them by now: a big box set of all 9 seasons of Seinfeld or all 6 Star Wars movies. They usually come in a clever package and have all kinds of extras like interviews and documentaries. These are all well and good. My issue is with the newest bullshit rip-off scheme: partial box sets.
What do I mean by partial? A set with only seasons 1, 3 and 8? No - I'm talking about a box set of a show or movie series that ISN'T OVER YET.
Here are some of the more egregious offenders:
Seasons 1-5 of Reefer Drunkerland's hit show 24. If you bought this, how stupid did you feel when season 6 came out on DVD - but you'd already blown $200 on this "collector's edition" set. If you're that big a fan, why the hell wouldn't you wait until the show was done, finished, off the air??
While there's always a chance that 24 might end without notice after any given season - strikes, low ratings, DUIs, whatever - unless a fucking meteor hits the planet, this next series is not done yet.
Harry Potter: The First 5 Years DVD set
Unless you've been living under Rush Limbaugh's bloated ass for the last 10 years, you have to have at least a clue about the number of Harry Potter books and subsequent movies.
When the seventh and final book came out, I wish I could've trademarked "seventh and final," so that any time someone said it, I'd get paid. Unfortunately, that biotch J. K. Rowling beat me to it. Bitch stole my idea about a wizard school in England, too.
Back to the DVD set - I can understand if Grandma Ethel picks it up for you because she doesn't know any better (in which case you run to the store and exchange it for two Wii games) - but if you're a big enough fan of the Harry Potter films to want to own them all, there's no excuse. You MUST know that there are TWO MORE FUCKING MOVIES COMING OUT. What would be the point of having a 5-movie set and two more loose DVDs? Therein lies the rub: they WANT you to impulse-buy this set and then in three years buy the same fucking movies again!!
And finally:
The James Bond Ultimate Collector's Set
This sounds great - it's got all 21 James Bond movies, including last year's Casino Royale. But news flash - THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING THE NEXT ONE. Again, why the hell would I buy a big-ass box set, only to have some orphan movies sitting next to the box looking at it with puppy-dog eyes?
Of course I'll probably prove to be a hypocrite when I buy a Smallville box set when that show ends - even though I already have the individual seasons on DVD.
Snowball maker
Yes, America's kids are now so fucking lazy that they can't even make snowballs without help. Kill me now.
And finally...another gift for the lazy people out there:
Not sure what that is?
That's right. It's a fucking label peeler. We have now become so fat and sedentary that PEELING LABELS is too arduous a task to do by hand. For God's sake people, burn those extra 8 calories and peel your fucking address labels.
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